Thursday, October 29, 2009

Nurse Ratchet

I have sometimes thought about going back to school for a nursing degree and while it is a lovely thought, there are two fundamental problems with it:

First is that I don't do blood or body fluids.

It's true, I have been known to pass out at the site of blood; my own or others. And body fluids make me want to barf.

"But wait" you say. "You have children. Boys none the less."

Ah yes, but God has taken mercy on me. In my nearly ten years of motherhood, only ONCE has either of my two boys had an injury that bled more than a microscopic amount AND when that injury did happen there was a lot of people at my house and someone else dealt with it for me.

"But children barf" you quip.

Yes, this I know, and once again God has shown me favor by giving me a charming husband that has cleaned up nearly all of the vomit his children have produced. And once these children were old enough to understand the value of money, I began bribing them.

It goes something like this:

Young boy, "mommy, my tummy hurts"

Me, "well, please don't throw up and if you really need to, remember I pay $5 if you make it in the toilet"

Which brings me to the second fundamental problem; my bedside manner.

Or lack thereof.

It's true, I have no patience for the infirmed in my own home.

Outside of my house, it's a different story. If you are sick, or injured, or somehow otherwise incapacitated, you have all my sympathy, empathy and a home cooked meal delivered to your door.

But if you are living with me and are sick or injured you are just out of luck (unless of course you are five and get the swine flu and spend 6 days laying on top of our mom with 103 degree fever. In which case I shall gladly lay and nap with you and ignore all other responsibilities of life because one never knows when it will be the last time you snuggle with me).

Hypothetical case in point:
Let's say you are a 45 year old man and you go out on Monday night to play basketball with the younger set, and lets say that younger set is comprised of young men whose father you could be. And while playing basketball with these young men you injure your foot, but because of your advanced age you can't remember whether you came down on someone else's foot or just came down on your own foot wrong, either way it's a mute point because the next day you can barely walk. So you drive yourself to the medical center for an x-ray. The doctor says to you "you have fractured your foot in two places" and tells you to stay off of your foot for four days and then to return to the clinic for follow up on Friday.

Well, hypothetically speaking, if you came home and shared this information with me. I would be likely to not be very empathetic or sympathetic. I might even be a little mad at you for thinking that you could still play basketball with the twenty year old boys. And after your first day at home, staying "off of your foot" I might even ask what your plans were to return to work. And when you tell me of your doctor appointment scheduled for two days away I might even tell you to be sure to ask for a walking cast so that you can go to work after your appointment.

I'm just saying I should probably skip the nursing degree, ya think?


Finnskimo said...

Tell that hypothetical man in his forties to get off his butt and get to work...I made a pair of mukluks with my TEETH cause I can't use my hands!!!!! hahahaha

niccole w. said...

Oh, my hubby feels your hubby's pain. Trina Kuntz once said she gives them one day and after they're on their own.

Lee Ann said...

I love it! I sometimes wish Steve would be sick for just ONE day....because he's never been sick in our eight years of marriage. I just want him to feel it. But then for sure I'd want him to leave the next day.

And oh those snuggles. The only good part of having a sick little one.

Elena said...

LOL!! OH no! It's the worst when the husband is down. Yah...I'm thinking nursing isn't for you. LOL! Unless, they are all 5 year olds with swine flu. :)

The Hayes Zoo said...

I totally understand you. I'm just saying.

I remember those stupid 'aptitude' tests we took in high school and my score put me in nursing. 'Ummm...not on your life honey....'

Gina said...

I think it is the upbringing. You have to be actively dying at our house to warrant a trip to the doctor. But if the doctor says you really are sick, I will wait on you hand and foot- as long as you don't breathe on me!

bringing up boys said...

If the doctor says you are legitimately sick, you can still wait on yourself, or call gramma! This week I had 4 people home with piggy pox, and I worked all week, and on my day off, I LEFT!!! Told the 40 something man I was leaving and drove away!

Kat said...

My husband does the same thing...but it's softball. He has such injuries during softball season. He was even playing softball this year. Even with the brain surgery!

Gramma 2 Many said...

I do not think I have a single prodgeny I would counsel into entering nursing as a career.
Every once in a while Alysa reminds me of the night she and her friend spent the night and Kayla got sick at 1:00 AM. I had to show her how to clean it up because I would have never managed.
Oh my girls, I am so proud of you:)

Tamara said...

Nahhhh... go for the nursing degree... in this world we need more nurses who tell patients to "buck up" - this isn't the Hilton hotel... if you're big enough to make a baby you're big enough to change your own bed sheets... empathy yes, some doses of reality in the lives of sick (or well) people who want a "nurse nellie" to wait on them hand and foot - bah! Blood and body fluid - those aren't terrible... but for me bones... broken things... the sound of a hip patient getting turned in bed - bed sores - disimpacting old people... oh yeah... that's part of it sister... but for me... my nursing degree reality... teaching new mommies how to successfully breastfeed their new fresh-from-heaven babies whose poop doesn't really stink... now that is the real reason you want to be a nurse... but the trenches you'll go through to get there... that's a book... hope your little swiney didn't get you sick!

Amy said...

I'm with you on the bodily fluids. When my kids bleed I get weak in the knees. And if any one of them say those 3 little magic words, "my tummy hurts". I instantly have an anxious stomach! I will have to try bribing them with money to make it in the toilet! I've been pretty blessed with the pukes though - Casey has only been pukey once in his 4 years and Emily never has (except when she got the stomach flu when she was 5 months old, but that wasn't bad). Ryan has definitely been our pukiest kid. I'm just thankful that my kids don't puke as much as the McNair kids do! ;-)

Anonymous said...

I have the opposite husband broke his ribs and punctured a lung and I almost had to drag him to the hospital against his will to get checked out. Fortunately for me he was in too much pain to argue much. lol That afternoon he did drive to work, but turned around and went back to the hosptial when the dr. called him back in after looking at the xrays a 2nd time--that's not usually a good thing. lol

Shelley said...

I hear ya! LOL.

David said...

Let me give you a husband's point of view, a little love and compassion goes a long find some. :)

David said...

Oh, yeah, the bodily fluid thing I totally get. I can do anyone's poop (I think), it's the vomit I can not do!

Dee said...

I think you should skip the nursing degree and become an attorney or get into government. I'd vote for ya!

Snuggling with my kids while they were sick was the best part.

I want to hear more bout Dillingham. Pictures of the area you live, etc. I know, nag, nag, nag. Just want to have a visual of where my friend is.

Eryn said...

I agree with Dee. I wanna see Dillingham!

I also agree, get sick, have a baby, whatever you gotta do. Trish makes a MEAN pork roast :)

Debbie said...

Laughing.OUT.LOUD! When Bob was a mere 34 he was playing hoops with the twentysomethings and the last thing I said to him was "DON"T HURT YOURSELF." Lo and behold, I got a call from him while he was in the ER afer he had blown out his ACHILLES!! Do you know how long that takes to heal???? FO EVA! So I feel your pain sister...and I am laughing out loud feeling it!