Sorry this has taken so long.......I'm a major procrastinator.
So Dave and I talked and formulated OUR plan.
We decided that he would head up to Alaska at the end of the March to begin his new job and the boys and I were going to stay in Washington until the end of the school year and not pull the boys out of school. So while Dave would be starting his new job, I would be working on packing what we would take, getting rid of what we wouldn't be taking, sell the house, and do our best to prepare ourselves for life in the Arctic.
That was our plan.
That week we met with our realtor (Dave's uncle) about the prospect of our selling our house and the news was not good. The housing market in our area was FLOODED with foreclosures or short sales and all of those houses were pulling the market value of ours down. We would be able to get just barely what we owed on our house, if that at all. Frustrating, but not the end.
After that meeting it seemed like the best option for us would be to keep our house and rent it out. So we scratched "sell the house" off of my overwhelming long list of things to do.
As we headed into the last weekend of February, with OUR plan in place, I started to have this feeling that something wasn't right with our plan. I started to feel like the nearly three months that Dave would be in Alaska without us was not what God had planned. However, I told no one. I mean after all, I'm a strong girl, I am independent, I can handle all the tasks at hand. Maybe that was just the problem.............I am strong and independent. What would I need my husbands help for, forgetting the fact that I am supposed to be working towards repairing my struggling marriage and not working towards fostering my own independence. But still I went along with OUR plan.
That Sunday afternoon, I get an e-mail from a good friend with a worship song attached. Her message said; "we sang this song at church today and it made me think of you and where you are at right now." The song that she sent me was "Vineyard Musics - If You Say Go".
Holy Cow. That song perfectly described what I was facing:
"If you say go, we will go. If you say stay, we will stay. If you say step out on the water and they say it can't be done, we will fix our eyes on you and we will come."
I listened to that song over and over that evening. Each time crying harder than the time before. I just didn't get it. We were going. We were all moving to Alaska, so why was I having the feeling that something about our plan wasn't right.
Monday morning I woke up hoping that my awful feelings about our plan had gone away. They hadn't, and I just didn't get it. All day I had this argument going on in my mind. One part of my brain was saying "We're going. We're doing what God wants us to do." But there was the other part of my brain that was saying "yes, but you're doing it under your terms, not God's." For the better part of the day I tried my darnedest to ignore the part that was telling me I wasn't doing it on God's term and I was successful for most of the day.
Until my phone rang...............
TO BE CONTINUED
(but you'll be happy to know that I am going to write the next part right now. It will auto-post sometime tomorrow!)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009